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Kevin heaved a long sigh, his cheek pressed up against the icy window. It had been thoroughly fogged up by the continuous downpour, and tears began to streak down the glass at random intervals. He closed his eyes and listened to droplets drum across the roof in capricious pitters. The faint sound of thunder could be heard in the distance. Combined with the gentle splashing of water in puddles below and a soft wind shaking the trees, he could hear a symphony begin to form.

He pulled the blanket around his shoulders tighter, as if to reinforce his state of warmth and dryness. There was this nagging feeling in the back of his head like he had some unfinished business to take care of or some unfulfilled wish that was bubbling on his lips. He just couldn't quite place what it was. Restless, he shifted his position to be more upright so he could take up his cello. His fingers idly grazed the strings. They refused to cooperate today; they just weren't in the mood. Kevin just about was ready to scream – he had been confined in his bedroom for hours on end. What was he, a princess that needed to be punished to her tower for being out late the other night?

He cleaned up his things and slumped by the window to brood once more. He paused. There was a stirring outside that didn't match the rest of the water symphony. He pursed his lips and wiped the condensation off the glass with two fingers. The entrance of two silhouettes now standing in the courtyard caught his eye.  Once his eyes focused on the figures, he realized he knew the two girls. It was his good friend Rachel; her light blond hair gave it away immediately. The other he was not as acquainted with, but he recognized her – a somber looking girl, Felicity. The two were close friends and first violinists in the orchestra he was in.

Felicity pulled her bow across her violin in fluid strokes, stringing notes together in a familiar melody – Massenet, Meditation from Thaïs. One of his personal favorites. The storm only worsened with every phrase she played, relentless. As she crescendoed to a climax, Kevin could sense the tension slice the air as droplets began hurling themselves themselves to the ground. Her eyes were shut, in serenity, immersed in water as well as the music. Felicity's raven hair clung to her face in clumps, and her clothes weren't spared, either, soaked right to her very pores. The poor thing must have been saturated in freezing water; for some reason, she didn't look at all cold.

Kevin squinted his eyes and made out that the violin she played was not in fact hers, but Rachel's, that beautiful three thousand dollar one that he had often picked up to play himself. He nearly threw up his heart at the sight and hurried down the stairs to the front door. Why was Rachel just standing there and watching?!

He yanked the door open. Felicity had finished her song and turned the instrument to face her. For a moment, time stood still before she slowly moved forward to press her lips to the rain soaked violin.

"Why don't you come inside!"
Dreams are funny little things.

Edit: I've revised it a bit thanks to Kaza's critique :la:
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:iconkazali:
Critique by Kazali Apr 5, 2010, 8:14:11 PM
"He closed his eyes and listened to droplets collide with the roof in wanton pitters."

This sentence has two word usage problems: first, wanton. Wanton describes something done maliciously or recklessly. It doesn't really work when describing rain, which has no malicious intent whatsoever (if you were talking about a hurricane or a tsunami, that might be different). It doesn't seem to fit with the last sentences, which talk of gentle splashing of water and soft wind shaking in the trees. The last sentence describes a light rain shower while the rest of the paragraph describes a deluge. You have the same problem with 'pitters'- a pittering is a soft sound. It doesn't fit in with a storm. Think you should decide how strong the weather is and stick with it.

"He pursed his lips moodily and wiped the condensation off the glass with two fingers."

Moodily = bad choice of adverb. Remember how I said adverbs don't really show anything? Cut it out. The sentence works fine without it.

Kevin was struck by the new silhouettes that were now standing in the courtyard.

Just so you know, this is a passive sentence. Passive constructions involve "was/were/is/am/been/being + present progressive verb". There is nothing wrong with passive voice, but using active voice is preferred for fiction pieces because it makes your writing stronger. Passive constructions are usually quite bland. So, the active form of this sentence would be: "Kevin gasped at the appearance of two new silhouettes standing in the courtyard that weren't there before" or something akin to that. Notice the difference? Here's a link for more info: [link]

This paragraph bothers me because your descriptions cause discrepancies. Why would two girls be standing in the rain during a terrible thunderstorm? Why would one of them be playing a violin in the rain? I'm not a violinist, but I play guitar, and I know water damage can be detrimental to string instruments. If this girl is in the orchestra, wouldn't she know that? And... if it's her best friend Rachel's instrument, wouldn't she want to handle it with more care than that?

Your description of the quality of the music seems off, too - if it's a bad storm, there's no way Kevin would be able to make out the sound of a violin from his window. I'm not even sure the violin would be able to work correctly with all that moisture.

"The poor thing must have been saturated in freezing water; funnily enough, she didn't look at all cold."

Another adverb that doesn't show anything. You'd be better off using 'oddly', or just writing "For some reason, she didn't look at all cold", etc.

The biggest problem in this story? Comprehension. Your description of the weather seems to go back and forth between terrible tsunami type storm and a shower. If those girls are out in the rain, I would think it's just a shower. If this is based on a dream, though, maybe you could go back and add a more dreamlike quality to it so there's a suspension of disbelief for the reader. :)
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:iconpola-444:
Pola-444 Featured By Owner Apr 12, 2010
fourth paragraph

"Kevin could the tension slice the air as droplets began hurling themselves"

maybe you should add "Kevin could slice the tension in the air.."

Also, string instruments don't do well in the damp, they become untune very quickly, therefore unless this is a dream, I don't think the music would be that good. XD

Otherwise, I think this is a pretty decent story. It kept my interest and that is definitely a start.
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:iconchromaticrose:
ChromaticRose Featured By Owner Apr 16, 2010  Hobbyist Writer
Fixed, thanks(:

Yes, I'm fully aware of that. XD;; I play the violin myself. I have to adjust this a bit to give it a dreamier feel.

Thank you for reading and commenting ♥ :hug:
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:iconpola-444:
Pola-444 Featured By Owner Apr 16, 2010
Oh okay! I knew you play some instrument but I thought it was a brass instrument so you might be fixed on band instruments and not string. I never know. But anyways, you're very welcome.
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:iconchromaticrose:
ChromaticRose Featured By Owner Apr 17, 2010  Hobbyist Writer
x3 I have no idea how to play any brass/wind instrument :dummy: Well, now you know :la:

:tighthug:
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:iconpola-444:
Pola-444 Featured By Owner Apr 17, 2010
OH wow. I fail completely then XD
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:iconchromaticrose:
ChromaticRose Featured By Owner Apr 17, 2010  Hobbyist Writer
:pat:
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:iconthreehoursbackx:
threehoursbackx Featured By Owner Mar 28, 2010  Hobbyist Artist
yiruma? xD

this is lovely ;__;
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:iconchromaticrose:
ChromaticRose Featured By Owner Mar 29, 2010  Hobbyist Writer
Yes? xD

Thank you^^ And thank you for faving ♥
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:iconrathunta:
Rathunta Featured By Owner Mar 28, 2010
I like how you've got the atmosphere to the point- it really does add the atmosphere to the piece.
However, I suggest you might change the $3000 to 'Three thousand dollars' but then, that's only me.
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:iconchromaticrose:
ChromaticRose Featured By Owner Mar 29, 2010  Hobbyist Writer
Thanks :hug:

Actually, that's a good idea x3 It's bothering me now >> Thanks for the edit and thanks for reading :3
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:icontanashai:
Tanashai Featured By Owner Mar 28, 2010  Professional Writer
Ooooh, very pretty and yet haunting. I wonder what she was doing playing the violin in the rain? (but then I wondered that with a lot of fantasy pictures too-stringed instruments are so delicate, lol)
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:iconchromaticrose:
ChromaticRose Featured By Owner Mar 28, 2010  Hobbyist Writer
Thanks :hug:

That is the mystery of the piece ;]
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:icontanashai:
Tanashai Featured By Owner Mar 28, 2010  Professional Writer
well I figured as much, lol.

OY! WHAT ABOUT YOUR REQUEST??!! *taps foot*
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:iconchromaticrose:
ChromaticRose Featured By Owner Mar 29, 2010  Hobbyist Writer
:giggle:
:iconumplz: Still trying to decide on my team... I'm considering just selecting choosing pretty Pokemon and be done with it x]
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:icontanashai:
Tanashai Featured By Owner Mar 29, 2010  Professional Writer
lol, whatever makes you happy!
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:iconchromaticrose:
ChromaticRose Featured By Owner Mar 29, 2010  Hobbyist Writer
:la:
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