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Kevin heaved a long sigh, his cheek pressed up against the icy window. It had been thoroughly fogged up by the continuous downpour, and tears began to streak down the glass at random intervals. He closed his eyes and listened to droplets drum across the roof in capricious pitters. The faint sound of thunder could be heard in the distance. Combined with the gentle splashing of water in puddles below and a soft wind shaking the trees, he could hear a symphony begin to form.
He pulled the blanket around his shoulders tighter, as if to reinforce his state of warmth and dryness. There was this nagging feeling in the back of his head like he had some unfinished business to take care of or some unfulfilled wish that was bubbling on his lips. He just couldn't quite place what it was. Restless, he shifted his position to be more upright so he could take up his cello. His fingers idly grazed the strings. They refused to cooperate today; they just weren't in the mood. Kevin just about was ready to scream – he had been confined in his bedroom for hours on end. What was he, a princess that needed to be punished to her tower for being out late the other night?
He cleaned up his things and slumped by the window to brood once more. He paused. There was a stirring outside that didn't match the rest of the water symphony. He pursed his lips and wiped the condensation off the glass with two fingers. The entrance of two silhouettes now standing in the courtyard caught his eye. Once his eyes focused on the figures, he realized he knew the two girls. It was his good friend Rachel; her light blond hair gave it away immediately. The other he was not as acquainted with, but he recognized her – a somber looking girl, Felicity. The two were close friends and first violinists in the orchestra he was in.
Felicity pulled her bow across her violin in fluid strokes, stringing notes together in a familiar melody – Massenet, Meditation from Thaïs. One of his personal favorites. The storm only worsened with every phrase she played, relentless. As she crescendoed to a climax, Kevin could sense the tension slice the air as droplets began hurling themselves themselves to the ground. Her eyes were shut, in serenity, immersed in water as well as the music. Felicity's raven hair clung to her face in clumps, and her clothes weren't spared, either, soaked right to her very pores. The poor thing must have been saturated in freezing water; for some reason, she didn't look at all cold.
Kevin squinted his eyes and made out that the violin she played was not in fact hers, but Rachel's, that beautiful three thousand dollar one that he had often picked up to play himself. He nearly threw up his heart at the sight and hurried down the stairs to the front door. Why was Rachel just standing there and watching?!
He yanked the door open. Felicity had finished her song and turned the instrument to face her. For a moment, time stood still before she slowly moved forward to press her lips to the rain soaked violin.
"Why don't you come inside!"
He pulled the blanket around his shoulders tighter, as if to reinforce his state of warmth and dryness. There was this nagging feeling in the back of his head like he had some unfinished business to take care of or some unfulfilled wish that was bubbling on his lips. He just couldn't quite place what it was. Restless, he shifted his position to be more upright so he could take up his cello. His fingers idly grazed the strings. They refused to cooperate today; they just weren't in the mood. Kevin just about was ready to scream – he had been confined in his bedroom for hours on end. What was he, a princess that needed to be punished to her tower for being out late the other night?
He cleaned up his things and slumped by the window to brood once more. He paused. There was a stirring outside that didn't match the rest of the water symphony. He pursed his lips and wiped the condensation off the glass with two fingers. The entrance of two silhouettes now standing in the courtyard caught his eye. Once his eyes focused on the figures, he realized he knew the two girls. It was his good friend Rachel; her light blond hair gave it away immediately. The other he was not as acquainted with, but he recognized her – a somber looking girl, Felicity. The two were close friends and first violinists in the orchestra he was in.
Felicity pulled her bow across her violin in fluid strokes, stringing notes together in a familiar melody – Massenet, Meditation from Thaïs. One of his personal favorites. The storm only worsened with every phrase she played, relentless. As she crescendoed to a climax, Kevin could sense the tension slice the air as droplets began hurling themselves themselves to the ground. Her eyes were shut, in serenity, immersed in water as well as the music. Felicity's raven hair clung to her face in clumps, and her clothes weren't spared, either, soaked right to her very pores. The poor thing must have been saturated in freezing water; for some reason, she didn't look at all cold.
Kevin squinted his eyes and made out that the violin she played was not in fact hers, but Rachel's, that beautiful three thousand dollar one that he had often picked up to play himself. He nearly threw up his heart at the sight and hurried down the stairs to the front door. Why was Rachel just standing there and watching?!
He yanked the door open. Felicity had finished her song and turned the instrument to face her. For a moment, time stood still before she slowly moved forward to press her lips to the rain soaked violin.
"Why don't you come inside!"
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Dreams are funny little things.
Edit: I've revised it a bit thanks to Kaza's critique
Edit: I've revised it a bit thanks to Kaza's critique
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Comments20
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Overall Vision
Originality Technique Impact"He closed his eyes and listened to droplets collide with the roof in wanton pitters."
This sentence has two word usage problems: first, wanton. Wanton describes something done maliciously or recklessly. It doesn't really work when describing rain, which has no malicious intent whatsoever (if you were talking about a hurricane or a tsunami, that might be different). It doesn't seem to fit with the last sentences, which talk of gentle splashing of water and soft wind shaking in the trees. The last sentence describes a light rain shower while the rest of the paragraph describes a deluge. You have the same problem with 'pitters'- a pittering is a soft sound. It doesn't fit in with a storm. Think you should decide how strong the weather is and stick with it.
"He pursed his lips moodily and wiped the condensation off the glass with two fingers."
Moodily = bad choice of adverb. Remember how I said adverbs don't really show anything? Cut it out. The sentence works fine without it.
Kevin was struck by the new silhouettes that were now standing in the courtyard.
Just so you know, this is a passive sentence. Passive constructions involve "was/were/is/am/been/being + present progressive verb". There is nothing wrong with passive voice, but using active voice is preferred for fiction pieces because it makes your writing stronger. Passive constructions are usually quite bland. So, the active form of this sentence would be: "Kevin gasped at the appearance of two new silhouettes standing in the courtyard that weren't there before" or something akin to that. Notice the difference? Here's a link for more info: [link]
This paragraph bothers me because your descriptions cause discrepancies. Why would two girls be standing in the rain during a terrible thunderstorm? Why would one of them be playing a violin in the rain? I'm not a violinist, but I play guitar, and I know water damage can be detrimental to string instruments. If this girl is in the orchestra, wouldn't she know that? And... if it's her best friend Rachel's instrument, wouldn't she want to handle it with more care than that?
Your description of the quality of the music seems off, too - if it's a bad storm, there's no way Kevin would be able to make out the sound of a violin from his window. I'm not even sure the violin would be able to work correctly with all that moisture.
"The poor thing must have been saturated in freezing water; funnily enough, she didn't look at all cold."
Another adverb that doesn't show anything. You'd be better off using 'oddly', or just writing "For some reason, she didn't look at all cold", etc.
The biggest problem in this story? Comprehension. Your description of the weather seems to go back and forth between terrible tsunami type storm and a shower. If those girls are out in the rain, I would think it's just a shower. If this is based on a dream, though, maybe you could go back and add a more dreamlike quality to it so there's a suspension of disbelief for the reader. <img src="e.deviantart.net/emoticons/s/s…" width="15" height="15" alt="
" title=" (Smile)"/>